I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
