It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
