...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
