Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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