Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
