He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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