I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
