Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
