she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
