Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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