After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
