So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
