Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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