I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
