i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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