I think im going to throw up on grandma
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
