Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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