i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
