I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
