I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
