I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
