And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
