you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
