you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
