My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
