oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
