I want to walk on stilts...naked
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
