She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
