we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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