I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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