420 ftw
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
