im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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