Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
