If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
