There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
