I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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