i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
