My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
