i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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