Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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