my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
