Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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