perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And then my night got REAL pukey
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
