Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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