I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
