discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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