i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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