You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
