My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
as a side note pls kill me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
