i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Vodka?
Forever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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