I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
