you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
