what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
