the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
